Am I truly living or just merely breathing?

I find it hard to fathom where my days and nights go...I live such a life of repetition and rote. What happened to the child that was vibrant to her core...the young woman who LIVED each moment as she found it...where did I go?

I've spent twenty years wrapped...not as a present...layered to hide, protect, confuse and obscure myself to the point where I am not quite sure if anyone "knows the me." I don't even have the confidence to admit to the me that is inside. I started it all as a way to avoid being EVER EVER hurt/reliant on another person again. Andrew tore my soul out...and I gave him permission to do it. I couldn't trust MYSELF to go back out and possibly go through that emotional miasma once more. I had no strength.

So I packed up my dreams, desires, opinions, thoughts...all my "essences"were distilled down to mere tinctures of what they once were .... inner emotions dampened and replaced by impervious membranes...charlatans of the truth in me. I even changed the physicality of the form ... distrusting the compliment to the extreme point of ensuring the stilling of the voiced.

And, over time, it has BECOME the ME that humanity sees. I dance the dance. I don't shine the light of who I am...but play a game of smoke and mirrors. I am frightened that I can't hold it together...and I am in anguish because I am scared that I don't know who I am anymore.

At night, lately, I feel a struggle rising through me...it is visceral ...almost bile. I want to scream out my truths...I want recognition of ME...I am afraid I don't know what this angry me is. My protectant cocoon is growing colder and more dim...my path back has steel bars.

...I'm angry....I'm resentful....I'm fearful....

Can anyone say with certainty that they know me? Or is it my mask? Do they know my likes and dislikes? My favorite music? Pastimes? Vices? What causes my heart to soar? I feel now that I would wound those who care...they wouldn't "know" me as they were positive that they did. I don't want to cause them to doubt themselves...so I continue the deception. And I desperately need them...no matter if it is ME they see or not.

So I hug and clutch at the deception ... that stares back at me with lifeless eyes.

Can it be spring? ...or is the Weatherman a Meanie?

Lulled by 70 degrees...slapped by 42 with a windchill of 25...do all weathermen participate in the chaos theory? Or is Minnesota one of Dante's level of Hell? Oh....don't answer that. I am just partaking of that greatest of Minnesota's traditions...weather griping. I'm feeling dissatisfied and antsy...and I'm blaming the weather. If I wasn't 30 years out of school...I'd say it was the end-of-the-year blues. Hurry, hurry, hurry...slow down, slow down. When will the bell ring? When does camp start? What do you mean summer school?

I can't put my finger on it...but there is something in my soul that is repeatedly saying "What are you doing, Toto?" "Is this what is meant to be?" I have such a frustration with work...I'm doing what I love...but not for the right person. My simmering point has just about had enough...I have great value as a person and as a valued employee. But that's one of the problems...my boss doesn't value me...actually she doesn't value too many people unless there is some "reward" for her to do so. Either money or connections are green currency in the cash register of her soul. Thrill.

I have re-invented my self for her...becoming who I am not comfortable being. Taking my nature...pushing it down to conform. Grrrrrrrr. I challenge myself happily in my profession...I see that growth as part of my journey. But her vision is false and discomfitting...and never do I meet with her approval. She surrounds herself in falsity...giving away her true opinions in myriad of non-verbals...nail biting, flashing cold eyes, fake trilling laughs, crossed arms and haughty head tilts. She prides herself as being a natural mimic...always mean and sarcastic in her choice of mimicry.

Well I guess I can put my finger on it. But now the grown-up decision...what to do about it?

Has Dull TV has Help Creat the Facebook/Blog Phenomena?

Well, it is another Friday night ... and after perusing the TV Guide ... I now know what has fueled the Facebook/Blog phenomena ... the absolute dullness of the TV offerings. Ho-hum shows ... re-worked plots ... idiotic reality shows that glorify the demoralizing of the human spirit ... banality ... repetitious movies (so if you didn't catch the first time ... wait an hour for the repeat.), etc.


There is nothing to challenge ... nurture ... educate ... uplift ... amuse ... captivate ....

So, Facebook and the various blogs are winning the public attention ... loyalties ... time ... addictions ... by default due the inability of the Networks' to rise out of the bogs where they are stuck.

Since the "good" shows are few and far between during our week; the water cooler talk has become fragmented ... using quasi-universal text/blog languages ... memories are no longer cohesive from the same experiences ... our communication skills start relying on smaller and smaller "bytes" of information from our senses.

Not that the Networks don't have a few winners out there ... but Friday's only redemption is "Numbers."


So apparently, I will be learning and participating in this new world ...


And that's my opinion.

Is where I am where I wish to be?

Frankly, I've started this blogging with a very altruistic and noble motive ... well, slightly altruistic ... okay, a second cousin to noble ... fine. I was dragged kicking and screaming into this blundering, seething bowl of noodles one (much younger than myself) cheerfully refers to as an on-line community. Pah.

I am edgy about this new world ... I partake in communication at all my sensory levels ... this leaves soooooo many of those senses behind. Blogging is so 2 dimensional ...

This stated, I have always been adventurous ... not ever the first horse out of the block ... but definitely 2nd or 3rd!! I don't like stepping out first ... what if that ground is an illusion? And I won't step out late ... this girl does not like smelly biologicals stuck to her crocs.

So back to my personal start in the WOB (World of Blogging) ...


1. I've just embarked on the 2nd half century of my life ... I will not be an ostrich.

2. My niece and nephew are vitally important to me ... so I will attempt to relate to them in their chosen venue. (They are great young adults who indulge me by not texting ((usually)) in my presence) I will be there. I promise not to mortally embarrass them by referring to them by name, divulge (rolling of eyes here) family stories that cause cringing, or lecture on behavior, hair style (or lack thereof) and relationships.

3. Seeing humor in my ordinary life ... I enjoy savouring those moments in my mind ... repetitiously comforting like well read book. With that said ... I would like to post ... as the mood prevails ... to be the official "storyteller" of my existence while on the "3rd Rock."

So, if you so desire to "read" the randomness of my indulgent meanders ... if you can excuse being wordy, trite and opinionated ... I guess I can try to appreciate this "Brave New World."